hurting

I want to kill myself

fact: attraction ruins everything

I threw today away

17-07-14
sunset on the east coast of scotland
evening with friends
constant thought
surrounded by peace

17-07-14
sunset on the east coast of scotland
evening with friends
constant thought
surrounded by peace

working away from home for a month, with a lot of people that are from a world very different to yours is hard enough. that’s why sitting tonight feeling an episode of depression and complete self disgust coming on is enough to make me break down and cry. i absolutely hate me. i absolutely hate me. everyone i am working with, all of the people i have met are so friendly, so welcoming and i have made some truly brilliant friends and i feel so ungrateful for feeling like this. i feel guilty and that it’s not my fault at the same time, i am getting paranoid and anxious about how i look, how i sound and every time i am on my own i completely sink. i can’t handle my own company whatsoever now.

i don’t want to feel like this. it’s not fair, i shouldn’t have to. i really, really, really do not want to tell someone here about my mental health - i really want to just be professional and get on with it but i don’t have any support and a lot of the time i just want to rest my head on someone’s shoulder and have them listen and tell me that i’m okay.

none of this makes sense to me. i am being paid to do what i love, what i am good at, with people who are happy to see me each morning. i shouldn’t want to cry at night. i should just be able to sleep. this is no one’s fault. it’s just there and it won’t go away. everything from having shoes that aren’t the latest trend to having genuine doubts about whether i will be able to record enough usable footage and not have any issues with it - it all effects me, everything in between.

sick. i’m just sick.